i have decided to pour down my thoughts and feelings into a lifeless laptop. writing to an object is a better option compared to sharing to a person.
i am doing this to alleviate the tormented feelings i have been having since i moved into this new pithole. my miserable place i shall name it.
i, a small town girl - left the comfort of my home, family, and son. left my favorite department - something that i have passion in.
with HOPES as high as our klcc building - to REBUILD MY FAMILY LIFE.
my plan was to get here, work 8-5, to be with my husband and also to bring my son with to live as a little family of 3 - TOGETHER. i wanted to achieve that WORK-LIFE BALANCE. i wanted to be a lawful wife, a caring mother and a hardworking worker, and i plan to study during my weekend - to get my papers on my field of interest.
a plan that turned into dust.
precisely. thats what happened. i even prepared a LENGTHY LETTER to the respectable organization of my work line - in hopes that i would be placed in a smaller place, with no oncall hours. explaining that i have a kid, my husband and i are foreign to this land, with no family support. plus, the fact that my husband works in SHIFT hours which will make it difficult for me to work with oncall system. AND TO NO AVAIL - IT IS DISREGARD.
reason? i will only be placed according to availability - and during my reporting duty, district hospital needs manpower most. and the fact that i have no papers to back me up to be put into a specified department.
and there i was - thrown into something that i myself didnt predict. like an open season - being a prey, lowest at the food chain.
boy i cried a river - fear of the unknown, mother's guilt, all sorts of emotions. mostly, negativity.
theres not even any bit of positivity i can find. even, being together with my husband doesnt provide solace (after quite some time of long distance relationship - one might think that hey, finally you are able to be with your partner. REJOICE! nope, not in this case)
i began to question my decision. why did i chose to transfer? why did i get myself into this mess?
life was much easier back at home.
almost 3 months here - and i am still battling with frequent bouts of adjustment. (thats what i told myself)
i wouldnt say depression - yet. i know, or i dont know. i wanted to cry for help - but i just couldnt bring myself, for fear that it would affect my future. affecting my licence to practice. stigma. gossips. so much things to be considered even when you think you need professional help.
trust me, i am battling with my inner self every single day. convincing myself - i am not crazy, i am strong like the rest - if they can do it, i can too, i will not let my guard down. it is just a phase.
then again
it is overbearing - burdened. up to a point when i started questioning what is the purpose of living like this? tormented. overworked. mentally and physically stressed. tremendous amount of guilt.
my miserable place - a place where i will never find happiness
